had lots of fun today. first of all, joan drop by. she asked me to made her a cover letter and a cv. then we had lots of talks. i really begin to like this girl. she's nice [everybody's nice ndy!!] and her way of thinking is unique. we talked 'bout her family, her love life [uhuhu], and her friends. she's really fun to talk 2.

after that we both went to tista's house. met ervand there. you know what?! i change my mind, and i take my word back about him. he's not as bad as i think he was. it's a mistake to judge him from his outer attitude. he's a nice guy [once again .. everybody's nice ndy!!!!!!]

on my way home, tista and i talked 'bout 'other stuff'!! hahaha, it was fun though. cant really tell what we've been discussing xP

my probs with jedi ended when he finally say those magic words. i understand that he was having a hectic day. but the way he solve the probs is absolutely ... not good.

oh well ...

"How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!"
- Proverbs 16:16

especially in understanding what men want!! hahaha ...
i've been trying to relax and stop thinking about it, but my brain just won't stop.
i wonder if there's a pain killer that is produced spesificly for dealing with men. stupid thinking huh??

"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
- Romans 15:13

God is always right [duhh..], He is the source of hope. The right hope should have peace in believing. Since I usually let fear get in my believing process, i lost the peace. Like what I'm actually dealing with right now. I feel lost, lost in my own secure system. I almost forget who I am, and what my destiny is. I lost my track for happiness, and now I feel like I must face it all alone.

Joan sms me a few times tonight. It seems like she's having a big problem. She asked me to accompany her at her house, but I cant. And well, now I know why i cant go to her house. On the way home, this freaking car went crazy again. Overheat and overheat and another overheat baby!! We had to stop every 10 min just to reload the water. It seems like a waste of energy. i wonder why my aunt's office didnt want to buy another car, that runs smoothly and in a very good condition.

Finally went home and get some rest. Angga called again this evening. He somehow asked me out.. Doesn't feel like it. So I told him that I had to go to dinner with my boyfriend and his cousins. Awful lie huh?? But its better that way, so he wont think twice when he's asking me out again!!

So far for my saturday night. I dont want to mention 'his' name. Not this week. I want to avoid this feeling of resentment. This feeling cause my believing process loses its power.

listening to :: Satellite - Dave Matthews Band ::

i think i've cried enough today, but i was wrong. listening to this song reminds me to so may things. i feel remorse for what happened today. he already apologize, but i was to proud to accept his offer. i sms him and said that i'm sorry for it, i hope things will come to its normal state. God i cant help it.

dear macan, if finally one day you read this postings ...
just want you to know, how deep my feelings for this person. i can say that he once had been one of the greatest thing that ever made friends with my life. this blog shows the world how fragile i can be. it contains my heart, so please just keep it for yourself. remember that a person can fall so deeply to what seems invisible to the eye, but one can still sense and tell when its there. i know i cant turn back time, but i can sure make the rest of my life worthwhile by deciding to still love the way i should do. it's so pure, that i cant even describe and tell what it is, and what it cause me. please dont judge me wrong. dont misunderstood me like what most people do. you have no idea what i've been through. i hope one day ... you'll know what it feels like :')
-thank you 'can!

had a big fight with jedi once we got to campus. i dont know, i feel so darn sad and lonely [again] now. i dont know what to do. things began to get weird between us. i cried, i ....

AARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."
- Luke 6:27-28

Went to campus with nay and cha2 yesterday. I can’t believe that I got an A for English. I thank the Lord for it! It’s not by might, nor by power but by Thy Spirit. After that we went to Citos to eat. Met Joan after that at cilandak sports centre, we talked about lots of things, especially about batur, pandu and ervand also. I can’t stop my amazement for these pl guys. Some of them are so childish and they treated women like genuine trash. Got attracted only physically and after that, had no more feelings for the girls. The other thing that surprised me was I finally know who was the girl that got so close with ervand back then, the one who smsed me and said to me to back off. It was tika. Yups, the same tika that lives only 2 or 3 blocks from me. I really can’t believe that. We met at tarabian, and talked like friends. Ervand never told me that it was she, and Joan told me not to mention it to anyone else. I don’t feel angry or anything, for me it’s a stupid thing. It’s more like a joke. Believe it or not, I laughed out loud when I heard that it was her. When I was chatting with Joan and her friend avi, Jedi called. He was at Starbucks with ocky and macan. Don’t know why, but at that time, I feel so far from him. Like the connection is somewhat jammed. It kind of tickled my thoughts. I wonder what’s wrong.
And now, I’m still waiting for jedi to come and picked me up, jambrong was having his thesis presented today. I really gotta catch up the time so I still got time to talk to mas ibnu, but jedi said something happened. That’s why he wasn’t able to go earlier. I still wonder. [if you know what I mean, by wondering].

yaiks.. it's 2am in the morning, and i'm still awake. after chatting with nadia, marisa, ayu, and arga.. i feel refreshen! silly way to automaticaly awake myself. jedi is going on a midnight movie with his friends. cant say much about that..

i was planning to buy this cute panties with my mom, [giggle], i cant believe that we finally have our mother and daughter time together. it's kinda great.

now she already know that i'm back to my bad 'ol habit.. smoking.
i feel ashamed with myself for doing it again, but i guess, i'll be able to stop just like the way i was back then

kinda sleepy...

[end of transmission...]

haha, marisa was checking out my blog .. hihi, but why dont you left a note or anything on my guest book? hmm, i made that guest book along with the guest map just for fun. but it will be nice, if there's someone out there willing to take just a few sec to fill it up.. c'mon people...!!

so tired of working this EC name tag and logo, especially if my partner didn't really intended of finishing it on time.. [sigh] but anyhoo, it was a great time brainstorming ideas together. even though i know, he sometimes doesnt think of me as a compatible partner.. hehe

the other guy.. well, dont know, maybe he's busy, or maybe he's just another pain in the ass.. talking sweet, and giving hopes, but never really intended to go along with his words.. i sometimes wonder why most men cant keep their words.. when i thought their words is in orderly the same as their dignity.. or maybe most guys nowdays, doesnt seem to care much about their dignity anymore? hehehe

most of them are just a bunch of modern potato heads ... with no feelings and hearts..
[screw them!]

ervand called me yesterday. he asked me to go to church with tista, but i couldn't. he told me that i can tell him, if there's anything wrong happen. i guess, that's a nice start.

hmm, yesterday is a big mess!! Went to campus and met friends, jedi drove me there. After that, we went eating, and then to QB. Read some books, and basically just having a darn good time!! Then ervand called, and I know I should be happy that he finally called and that we're going out. But, don't know, there's something deep inside that feels sad, and heavy.

jedi drove me to ervand and tista was eating. We kissed. I almost cried. Actually, I did cry. And it happened, I didn't feel happy after all, going out with ervand. He was being quite and all. We didn't even really talk seriously. It seems like he's still avoiding a long conversation with me. But the atmosphere become a little weird. I just cant take it. I feel isolated. I feel abandoned.

I guess, I always feel abandoned inside ...

then jedi called after I got home. It feels so far ... I just couldn't reach him. I cried ...
he said one of the things that I was wanting to hear.. But still, all those feelings ...

I just cant explain

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you

remembering past events, especially the ones that connected with him, makes me sad again. it makes me realizehow stupid i've been. believing a lie and living in denial. but i guess it's a chance i've already taken years back.

i'm a very choosy person, i want my significant partner to be perfect. i know that nobody's perfect. so i'm thinking of my kind of perfect. i found him once, but now i lost him.

i thank the Lord everyday, for letting me still experience that blessing. over and over He's being so good to me. i know i'm not totally alone. and i know deep down there's a man who will not abandon me.

i think ervand just playing games on me.
angga called and he asked me out [sigh]..
jedi was being mysterious and all.

i dont know what am i gonna do tomorrow. i feel stupid because i've arranged plans, and i'm not sure that one of 'em are going to work...

i miss my ex so much x'(
REALITY BITES!!!

hmm, so many little but nice things happened to me for the last few days. ervand suddenly started to SMS and call me again. He said nice things, and we talked about regular, every day stories. It's rather nice to be able to be friends with him like we use to, before the day ... ahh, you know lah!

the funny things about this is that every time I got the urge to SMS him, he always SMS me first! That's weird .. haha, but it's fun. I gonna take everything that connects me with him slowly and easily. Don't wanna get into what I've been through.. again!

jedi has returned. he's changing. kinda sad.

anyhoo ... hmm, the night sky is so beautiful lately. It's full moon, and the glow is absolutely dazzling! Like a silver coin ... Besides that, the stars are also pretty. It's been a while since the stars is viewable from jakarta's night sky. And it feels great to be able to share what I feel about the stars to special persons.

one day, I was drop by tessy from church. And a second before I open my fence, I saw like a light being switched on. And it came to me, that all the lights on the house is already on.. Then I looked up, and there she is ... The moon, shines so bright!! And the stars are just twinkling above me. It took me 10 min just to gaze and marvel them. I thought that God must have force me to saw them, and it works. It's like He was saying to me "Look above Indira Dhian, and know how much I love you!" deep inside I feel so happy, I feel appreciated, I feel loved, I feel blessed .. :)

God is just so Good

my name is indira dhian, and i guess i'm kinda ready to face another year in my life. so far, everything is going pretty well. as long as i keep my chin up, i think i can stand up for myself pretty good ...

[ BIG sigh]

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!
HAPPY NEW YEAR INDIRA DHIAN SARASWATY ...

It's gonna be a full year ahead for you
you will have to get use to tears if you wanna feel laughter
you have to face pain if you wanna see happiness
you have to be tough if you wanna be stronger
you have to be full of faith if you gonna have victory

You're known by others as a tough, and cheerful person
it's time that you become who you are ... again!

i was listening to :: Officially Missing You // Tamia :: and i realized that i feel that 'love' back in my heart. i wonder what i must do with it, since so many times i got dissapointed by it. or maybe it happened because i didn't know how to really use it properly. i was serching love in all the wrong places, i went on its journey with all the wrong partners. i feel exhausted. i feel dried. but suddenly, i feel refresh again.

help me with this dear God ...
help me with this one ...